Dear young degenerates,
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… BOTH ways… Barefoot… Through snow… Yadda, yadda, yadda!! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you have no clue how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue! Then we had to hunt through maybe a zillion shelves to find the dratted books we needed, and actually skim through the things for information, no matter where it might be hidden in, like, 200 pages of crap! Oh, the paper cuts alone would kill you spineless wimps these days!
There was no email, let alone IM or texxting. We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then we had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were only 10 cents or something, but for a long time, you even had to use your own tongue and lick them or they wouldn’t stick to the envelope!! How gross is that!?!
Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us! As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our asses. Nowhere was safe!!
There were no MP3′ s or Napsters. If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! And there were no CD players, we just had tape decks in our cars. We’d play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and half the time, the tape would break or come undone! that’s just how we rolled, and we just had to take it, dig? Some of us even remember what were called "8-track tapes" for tunes, but you’d never believe what those were like, so let’s just say the dinosaurs probably listened to ’em – and maybe that’s what killed the poor bastards off!!
And for movies? DVDs, Blu-Ray, HDTV, downloads — we had none of that crap! You watched ’em when they were on television, or you went out to a theater. At some point, we did get VHS machines, but I won’t even start on the horrors of video tapes – you guys would be in therapy for years just from hearing about it… Just be thankful you weren’t there!
We absolutely didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it! And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics, either. We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your guy was just a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… forever! And you could never win… The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster, until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on the tube. You were screwed when it came to channel surfing, you had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel — NO REMOTES!!! Hell, most of us didn’t even have cable or anything back then, though I’m sure you punks won’t believe things were still that primitive. There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning! Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!!
And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! But of course, you can’t, not really. That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!!
The Over 30 Crowd